Well, I haven't posted here in a bit.

I actually have a NEW BLOG on a different site. The link: litterbox-effigy.blogspot.com/
I have a problem with how this sit operates sometimes. And on blogspot, I can do the ad thing where I get paid for people to read it. Like each time someone clicks my link I get money.

That sounded kinda dirty. Or maybe I'm just a pervert.

In a nutshell, I update that blog more than this blog and I might stop updating this one all together.  2009 has so far been a time of change. I'm much more blunt and overtly opinionated. I'm more assertive and maybe a bit more jaded.

Oh, and I currently live in my mom's ex-boyfriends basement, while he and his two 40 something roomies (both who have hepatitis C) live upstairs.

AWKWARD.

But it's only until I find work, get money and can move out.
Then I'm buying a big dog, getting a FUNCTIONAL car and HOPEFULLY going back to schooll come August.
Applied for a studio art major this time, and once I am a more stable person, I think I will go BACK to school for my wilderness management degree. I have big plans for my future and I'll be damned if I give up on them just caused I fucked up once.
Not me. I'm to stubborn for that crap. Failing is not an option. I will NOT let my dad be right about me being a failure.

But yeah. GO TO MY NEW BLOG. It's epic.

What to say?

I pretty much got ass raped by college. To be blunt.

I've never lived alone before or have been allowed to be 100% in charge of myself, so the stress of a new chapter in life bubbled over and affected all other areas of my life. School has never been fun for me except when I was in the HAP, haha.
I am a big promoter of education and believe everyone should further theirs. That being said, school is still a difficult and stressful thing for me.

I kinda had an overload of stress and new experiences and just life. So my schooling was damaged. I got an A in math and I am pretty sure everything else was flunked or nearly flunked. Even so, when I reapply to a different school, I think I am going to start from scratch anyway.

I have sugar-coated the school experience up until now, in that I make people aware that yes, I'm burned out and my grades are bad. But I don't really go into details of the personal...emotional aspect. I don't plan to, either.

I flunked out of my first try. I can still give next semester a shot, but if I don't have to, I'm not going to.
It's frustrating but I'm not that upset by it.

What upsets me is when my family gets on my ass about things like they understand the real me at all, and get on their pedestals to shake their fingers and scold me, tell me what to do and just act like they have a right and I'm a child with no say.

That doesn't teach me anything but spite and to be emotionally distant.

Failing school teaches me quite a bit. Now I know my limitations, triggers and weak points better so that when I start over next year somewhere else, I can be more aware of myself and in the long run, do better.

I'm not the only person to ever do bad in school or to get morbidly depressed. People flunk out of school all the time, but not all people try again, so my willingness to be resilient shouldn't earn me a berating. It shouldn't earn me praise, either, but some indifference would be nice.

I think once my prozac is almost gone, I'm going to make an appointment to maybe get the dosage upped or be put on something else. I've become immune to it and now I'm a mess of crying, despondence, repetition, disinfecting and checking. With working medication, I could probably handle on my own life better.

So yeah. College attempt Uno kicked my ass. Next time, I hope to do better. If I don't, I'll just marry a millionaire and be a stay at home wife, haha.



Peace out, girl scout

Betsie

I'm not gonna lie, I totally bojangled this college thing.

Not gonna post a big whine fest because it all chalks up to the fact that shit happens and some subjects are just harder for me to learn than others. But having an education is important to me. Not just because you can't get a job without one, but because I want to learn as much as I can before I kick the bucket. I think being educated enriches one's life.

So no. I won't be throwing in the towel and getting a job flipping burgers. But I may leave Ely and apply to a more art based school. I still want a degree in ethology, but think I'm going to step back from that for a bit until I can figure out exactly the sort of work I want to do with animals before diving into a pool with out my arm floaties.

I don't plan on uprooting until winter is over. So I will spend the spring semester here, probably attempting one of the smaller certificate programs like taxidermy or wildlife ecology.

I feel bad that it turned out this way. I really want to succeed. And I could just fucking rip out my eyes over the fact that my deadbeat dad said I'd pretty much fail up here and I said "fuck you, no I won't" and in the end, here I am. Failing. Not for the reasons he thought I would. He had it in his head that I need to be closer to my kinfolk to succeed in anything. Well, I haven't botched my independence. It's just in all financial aspects and in the majority of my classes, well, shit hit the fan.

I hate to disappoint all of the people who wished me well and who were really rooting for me. That's the part that bugs me most of all.
C'est la vie, I guess. One road meets a dead end, so I have to back track and try a different one in hopes that it will lead somewhere bright and shining. Heh.

In other news, I cooks sweet potatoes and coleslaw the other day. I have pretty much lived one sweet potatoes since thanksgiving. My shit is even orange to prove it, haha, sick.

And I used a veet bladeless razor on my legs and that hair killing cream made my legs all itchy and burny.

Gah.

Peace out, girl scout

Betsie

Two Ton Paperweight
by Psychostick

My car is a PIECE OF SHIT!
Wanna drive you off a cliff
Watch you crash into a ravine
For the things you did to me, you...

STUPID CAR!
I wanna make myself a pipe bomb
Blow your damn engine back to hell
Where I know you're from.

Piece of CRAP!
You aren't even worth the tow
To a junkyard or a place
Where you'd sit and lay to waste, I...

WISH YOU'D DIE!
Oh never mind, you always do.
Could you tell me how much longer it will be
Until I'm rid of you?

I wish that you'd just get hit by lightning (or something)
My confidence in you is sold with every part I buy
I guess I'm just a sucker with a lemon
So pucker up and kiss another paycheck goodbye!

You leak more than a newborn baby
I change you oil all the time but still you need some more
Your fluid puddles come in assorted colors
Such wondrous variety of problems galore

Will there be a time
When I know I can drive
Without my car breaking down?

And will I ever see
It start consistently
Without the pain and the suffering

(Stupid fucking car)

My car is a PIECE OF SHIT!
I ought to give you a swift kick
In the muffler, in the tire
Or where ever I desire you...

STUPID CAR!
You never get me very far when
You decide driving to the store is a mortal sin

PIECE OF CRAP!
I guess you want a piece of me
Since you're leaving all your pieces
In the middle of the street

You heap of JUNK!
I don't know what I'm gonna do
I just hope that I don't have to take another day of driving you

I swear you must be older than my grandma (and she's dead)
The fact you run at all is quite a mystery to me
Your miles are approaching seven digits
May God have mercy on the soul that's holding the key

I'm guess I'm just a little angry
But for some reason, getting stranded kinda chaps my hide.
You probably think I'm slightly overreacting
Has your car ever made you think about suicide?

Will there be a time
When I know I can drive
Without my car breaking down?

And will I ever see
It start consistently
Without the pain and the suffering

Will there be a time
When I know I can drive
Without my car breaking down on me?

And will I ever see
It start consistent...

What the...?
C'mon... give me a break!

Alright... PEICE OF SHIT!!
DIE!!!!
AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

• Hm, where to begin?
•  
• Okay, so I moved out of the toxic shit-hole that was disguised as a house and am now living in a friggin rad old-school house that fell straight out of the 60's. Ugly wall paper, pee colored carpet...ah, it's a dream. I love it. I'm all emotionally archaic so it's pretty much an awesome pad. I'll post pictures ASAP.
•  
• I now have a kitten along with my three other pets. He's so sweet. Not much else to add there.
•  
• I'm kinda sorta bombing a couple classes...and I am sort of contemplating maybe applying to a different college that is more art based come summer. But I'd feel like a dick making my family keep moving my stupid ass all the time. And I'd feel like a failure if I quit. I like the school and Ely and everything. I'm just not feeling my major, and am pretty disheartened these days. It's hard to explain, so suffice it to say I feel like crap and leave it at that. Being a grown up sucks.
•  
• Having financial problems, but what's new?
•  
• I totally have a crush, which is strange because...well, it just is.
•  
• I enjoy Britney Spears' new song, which tells me I've lost my mind.
•  
• My insomnia has returned along with nightmares.
•  
• My mom and step mom were having a cat fight about me behind my back. Not sure where my relatives get off always calling me a liar when they're the ones keeping secrets and being epic douche-bags. Seriously. Just because you don't like what I have to say, doesn't make me a LIAR. It makes me an ASSHOLE, so if you're going to talk shit about me, at least be factual. I put the kabosh on that crap, anyway. My dad and his dickweed family can stick their genitals in a George Foreman grill for all I care.
•  
• I had an eBay store but I closed it. Looking for alternate means to sell THREE BOXES WORTH OF CLOTHES.
• And boy do I have some doozies. Little gothy outfits and fishnet and black and doom. Ah, to be 16 again. Oh the melodrama.
•  
• My car crapped out for three days before grandpa told me to put some Heet into the gastank and now it works again.
•  
• Ely is colder than a whore's heart. Freezing my butt off.
•  
• I dropped Biology
• My kitten has the runny-poops and sounds like someone squeezing a half empty ketchup bottle.
• Looking for a job

So all in all things aren't GREAT but could still be a lot worse so I'll make it.

Peace out, girlscout



Betsie

OCD does not mean I am the cleanest person alive. DON'T ASSUME THAT. I'm still human, still prone to nonchalance and being sloppy.
Being a college student doesn't mean I go to keggers NOR does it mean that I am unconditionally mature. Being 20 doesn't mean I live the life of a 20 year old. Having feelings for someone does not mean I want to hop into bed and spread my legs.

So stop holding me to unreal standards that I can never live up to, nor do I aspire to. I like having a life like a cluttered suitcase.

I like taking the scenic route. Being broke sucks but I refuse to be corporate and stifle myself to make a buck...I'd eat cat food before I did that. I never ask for money, so don't worry about it. I can scrape by just fine and go without shit until money rolls in. My virginity is not for sale, so stop treating me like I am in a my cocoon, preparing to emerge as a nymphomaniac whore.

I'm not planning to experiment with drugs. I'm not planning on drinking. But I'm allowed to make dumb choices, and if I do, back off. I am probably aware it was stupid.

The fact is that I am NOT an extreme. I'm a happy medium. Quit trying to define me, quit assuming things and GRR.
Let me be who I am, whoever that may be.

The. End.

:D

 

Head Over Feet
by Alanis Morisette


I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Things are not so grand in college land.

My health was all messed up because the house and it was aggravating my OCD so I was having these epic meltdowns and missing school.

Probably going to withdraw from bio. Worried about dendrology and college comp. *sigh* If push comes to shove, I'll drop out for now and come back next fall, working the rest of the year to pay rent and bills. I don't want it to come to that, but quitting is better than failing because big fat F's mean FAFSA feels disinclined to offer me assistance.

Fucking ouch.

So.
Mom sent me the letter that will be sent to my landlord. I hope they don't give me trouble and will let me out of the lease. I would hate to have to be forced to get an attorney.

In other news, something new will be happening next weekend. I won't mention anything more until it's 100% certain. Nothing huge, but something that makes me pretty happy.

In terms of school.
I did okay on my Dendrology test. Bio was so-so. I don't think I am doing well in English. I have missed about a week and a half of class because of my health. Because of all of the issues with this house that have been making me ill and the cold weather aggravating it. But if need be, I'll retake the course. Not gonna quit school just cause I bombed one course. People make that mistake and just drop out because they flunk a course or two. Shit happens, and if everyone was a genius, college wouldn't exist. So take it in stride, consider it part of the lesson and be a better person because of it.

I am adamant about finishing college way beyond a stage expected of me. I want a Ph.d in ethology. They bigger a degree, the furthur you can go and a bigger difference you can make. And the animals need me. They need all the help they can get.

I am also obstinate. And my father said I wouldn't succeed so I need to prove to him, as well as my self, that I am better than that and that I can claw my way to the top, and I don't give a damn how dirty and bloody I get on the trip.

An exact quote from father's email remains on my desktop in a folder. I read it when I think about quitting. Not to make my self feel worse, but since I am the kind of person who hates listening to my parents, takes it as a challenge when people say "you can't"...I read it to make myself angry and to regain that "Oh yeah? Well I'll show him!"

"Lets get real for a change.  Quit talking about some mythical PHD in some esoteric animal behaviour discipline.  Not going to happen.  At least not in the forseeable future.   You need to go to a local Community college for a quarter and see if you can do it or not. If you can then go another quarter.  Then another.  If that works then see about maybe checking into Ely.  You are going to need to work part time somewhere and if you cant find a job in a town of sixty thousand I dont see how you are going to find work in a town of four thousand.  I know you think Ely is some wonderful wolf loving Bohemian hippie outpost.  You know what reality is.  Reality is that it is a bunch of jackpine savages and indians.  Think of sisseton in the snow.  Yea I have been around a little  and worked in areas not so far from there.  They are backwoodsy folks and not in a Norman Rockwell kind of way."

That is a copied and pasted direct paragraph, the one I read to fan the flame. I do continue school to better myself, to make a differentce...but I admit, it is partly out of spite towards the man who claims to be my father but is estranged from me to the point where I consider him dead and myself fatherless. Cruel of me, I suppose. But something we must be cruel to protect ourselves.

Enough of that rany tangent.

I am preparing to buy a second dog.
Not anytime too soon. I am planning on next summer or possibly next fall. I am considering a number of breeds, am in contact with a number of breeders and ferreting away money for the cause. If I decide I want a small dog, I will be waiting until the reputable chihuahua breeder I would get it from breeds a specific female, the one with the fullest bloodline. Or I may opt for a russian longhaired terrier, but not sure.

I may decide I want a big dog, as big dogs give me a feeling of safety and can be brought hunting etc. In which case I will most likely be getting a breed off a list of breeds I have compiled of dog breeds not well known in the states.

So far I am in the research stage as I take pet ownership very seriously. The right dog, breed and breeder are essential. I was going to adopt from the pound, but I sort of want to be able to participate in dog shows and what not...hehe.

Anywho. My car broke. gotta go deal with that shit now. Just what I need.

peace out girl scout
Betsie

Woah, two tests in a row this morning. One in Bio and another in dendrology. I actually think I did okay on them. Hard stuff, but I try. Hopefully they'll be graded by Monday.

My house situation is still in the crapper. Mother is almost done with the letter to my landlord and I will hopefully be released from the lease with out issue. Blah, which means I'll have to move again. Not out of Ely, though.

I am going to go research how to make tea because there's a whole bog full of Labrador Tea about six miles from the school.

peace out girl scout

Betsie

epic.

Aaaaaggghhhhh...

So I just got back from classes. What a drag. I get into these funks and it becomes a chore to get out of bed. It becomes stifling to be around all the other people with their ways that are peculiar to me.

Parties, trips, events. Their facebooks all containing pictures of cheery groups of friends and social outings.

It's sad sometimes, but not lonely. I don't yearn for human companions. I yearn for a human existence. It's funny how completely awkward I am. Someone tries to slang talk with me like I'm someone cool and smooth talking, and I respond with "Did you know cat pee glows under a black light?"

And then I go home and wash my dishes in the bath tub with the shower because the sink had a rust ring and was contamination my dishes. Which reminds me of when I would clean the holes in the phone with a tooth pick when I was small because I thought people were talking toilet talk and that was the reason the phone got dusty and as going to give me ear infections.

None of that is the point.

My point is...I guess even though I am doing good, I am still the craziest sane person I know and I am still prone to funks and lethargy.

I'm a 20 year old virgin with no friends,little money, no job and shit for luck. Let be be mopey.


Oh, I am also planning a bitchy little "gift" for someone. Kind of an "in your face" type of thing. The way I see it, I am entitled to be immature once in awhile. And I am pissed off. So yeah. They wont be happy with me but they can suck my hypothetical balls.

Oh! Before I forget! Email me for my youtube channel! I post videos now.

Peace out girl scout
Bets

Mreow, I post again.

Much has happened the last week, none of which I care to make public as certain people are prone to giving their snarky opinion when it isn't welcome. So suffice it to say I am stressed and feeling like a shitty, rotten person who would go to hell if it existed.

(as a militant atheist I fear not.)

No, I didn't have unprotected sex.
No, I didn't go to a kegger.
No, I didn't shoot up some heroin, drop some E or end up trippin' balls, dude.

So worry not. I made a dumb choice but not one that will damage my health or my life long term. But I don't want to talk about it because it isn't anyone's beeswax.

Uhm...hm.

Anywho, I've updated my deviantart page and as a reminder, have also updated my webshots a few days ago. Links are here:
http://pink-kangaroo.deviantart.com/
http://community.webshots.com/user/betsiebebop

Peace out girl scout.
Betsie

http://community.webshots.com/user/betsiebebop

--------------
Life in Ely is pretty much how I expected. Woodsy and small town hicks. Aside from the atrocious weather, it is more or less a version of home I am already adapted to. The people are friendly, even the white trash like myself, albeit a bit oblivious. I of course have my pet peeves, but you find those in all places. My main irritant is the fact that no one uses their goddamn blinkers!!

I am improving in my driving, but not to the extent where it is a comfortable second nature. I still hate it, I still fear it, and I still get confused.

As for a job, I have none. I had one for a day through work study at the school library...but it interfered with my OCD. I couldn't bear touching used books, cards people pulled from their dirty pockets, people coughing on things, the memorization...too germy. I couldn't do it and I am a quitter so I threw in the towel. I know my limits. I don't push them.

School is going well. So far I have gotten good grades. My Minnesota History teacher was so moved by my essay she read it out loud. I was touched and meek. I never think my work is good enough. But that's how us artists are, I suppose. Inferiority complexes. I am almost done with the rough draft of my english paper. Basically, I took a column I wrote and extended it to be about four pages of material. The teacher okayed this, by the way. I am not optimistic about it as we have to have our papers reviewed by our peers before final drafting it. And there are two arrogant kids in my class who try to hard to sound profound rather than letting their thoughts come naturally. Forced intellect is depressing. Not that I am a genius or write worthy material, but I also don't force my words out. They just come to me. So I can't value critiques from people I don't respect, but whatever.

Oh. I got A'S ON BOTH OF MY MATH QUIZZES!!!
Holy shit!
BEST math grades I have ever gotten. EVER. And I'm 20.
My math teacher calls me Liz. Normally that would irk me, but now I am too laid back to care and think it's funny. It almost compensates for my granpa who I no longer have contact with. He used to call me Elizabeth.
I like the nicknames Liz and Lizzie. If it wouldn't be so foreign to me, I'd opt to go by them.

Let's see...what else...OH.
I am going to be ordering cheapy business cards soon and maybe some brochures to get the word out about my art. I need money and no one wants my shit on ebay. So if I can get some art commissions, I can tell work study to suck it. Haha. Again, I'm not optimistic. I tend to get the butt end of the lollipop.

I have a surprise coming within the next few weeks. I wont type about it yet until it is 100% certain, but it's awesome.

And I am working on finishing up my poetry and starting on a new writing project I hope to be considered for publication. I have plans and goals but we'll see.

I added photos to my webshots.
I am updating my youtube and deviantart later this weekend, so I'll post links then. Webshots link is at the top of this entry.


Peace out girl scout
Betsie

Stress is slowly creeping under a magnifying glass. OCD is a thorn in my side. I am a marionette and my disorder pulls the strings. Things are beyond my control and feel so bleak. Some people think I am faking it. Why fake turmoil and why intentionally humiliate myself, and make myself crazy over trivial things? Why be so separated from normalcy and society that I am damn near feral? People don't fake the life I live and the thought process I develop. It's a poison my mind makes in an intricate cocktail.

And there's stress, and stress and stress. And I wonder if my paternal grandparents lack of communication with me means they don't love me anymore or if their loyalty to the father has ever allowed them to in the first place. I wonder if any male, or rather a specific male, will ever find me attractive or charming or worthwhile and pursue me or if my body, that is a physical example of what OCD does to people, will repulse him. I wonder if my sanity will be lost to me and I wonder. Constantly. Making myself sick with my wondering that turns to fretting that turns to self loathing and the assumption that I am alone and lonely because it's what I deserve.

This is depressing. I know. I have been to fake lately. Feigning some sense of happy, laid-back, pep when I simply don't have the energy to be genuinely happy. I am frustrated. I am depressed. I am going off the deep end. Who is here with a butterfly net to keep me from being sucked away in the wind?

Love truly is dreadful. For something so blissful, it sure does ache and sting.

I want.
This bike.

Save money mode: Activated.

http://www.target.com/Ladies%E2%80%99-Schwinn-26-Roxie-Cruiser/dp/B000KZ4MUY/qid=1219607379/ref=br_1_8/602-5579100-9158207?ie=UTF8&node=361365011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

I have dogs on the brain. It's been that way since the first time I ever saw a dog. I love them. Canines and animals in general are my whole life.

My ultimate goal in life is to get my degree and either work at a wolf facility or start my own wolf facility.

Some day...I hope to have several hundred acres of property in British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Minnesota, or out west. And I will have my wolf facility where I run a program studying hand raised wolves much like Wolf Park or Wolf Haven.

And then I will also have my own farm of livestock of some sort and a rare dog breed preservation program where I occasionally breed rare dog breeds to help repopulate the breed and keep certain at-risk breeds from extinction.

And I'll rescue stray animals and rehome them and be a GOOD, REFUTABLE breeder who gets each and every dog genetically tested before and after each breeding. Each dog will be registered. There will be ZERO inbreeding. There will be no puppies-on demand.

Potential puppy buyers must sign a contract, be subjected to possible background and house checks (common in the pet world), go through a screening process and only after I get the minimum amount of approved future owners on the waiting list will I breed a dog.

They will have to express their intent for each individual dog. If it is for companionship, they'll have to sign a spay/neuter contract which if it is not taken care after six months I would retain the full right to reclaim the dog. If it is for breeding, they must sign up with a program to ensure they don't inbreed, or breed too often or to faulty dogs.

I will not be a breeding factory or have puppies at all times. Only occasionally and at select times with and to select dogs. Because dog breeding is not a hobby. It isn't a joke and a dog is not a money factory, it is a living, breathing animal and to constantly make a dog be pregnant and having puppies is cruel, unethical and makes someone a back yard breeder or a puppy mill and that isnt the correct way to go about it. Animals need to be treated with dignity and respect and deserve their owner and breeder to take the damn time to know what they are doing to not only help perfect the breed, but keep it it's best for future generations and have each individual dogs' best interests in mind, NOT THEIR POCKET BOOK.

To be honest, there really isn't much money in dog breeding. More money goes INTO the puppies and the breeding and the vet care than you get out of it. Not all puppies will sell and exterminating them, abandoning them and dumping them at the pound is not a caring or responsible decision. They didn't ask to be born, YOU did, so own up to it.

So yeah. I want to work with wolves, keep rare dogs from going extinct by being a GOOD breeder and I want to rescue pound dogs and cats and give them a second chance. Maybe even exotic animals or animals people need to leave for a period of time to go to college but want back after graduating.

Basically my goal is to start a massive animal sanctuary that is ethical, kind and wonderful and help reteach the world how to respect the earth's children. I want to make a difference and dammit, I will fight tooth and nail for it all. It will be my empire and my legacy and it will shine.

Fuck anyone who gets in my way. I'll steamroll over them and wont look back once. Animals are all I care about.

Betsie